Gen. 5.16-Matthew

Being a father was great, frightening, stressful, and wondrous all at once. I loved Cameron and for the most part he was a good baby. We’d stayed in Barnacle Bay for two weeks. It was easier since Cameron had an issue with jaundice and since we were going to use Gi-Gi as his doctor, staying there until he was better just made sense. Mom loved us being right across the street and was a big help in those first few days. My sisters were all fascinated by Cameron and kept asking to keep him. I’d taken time off from the store because I wanted to spend time with him and Kia and to keep an eye on her. Six weeks; six short weeks and my life had changed so completely.

“Are you changing him again?” I turned to see Kia propped up in the doorway.

“Yeah, he threw up on his bib,” I replied.

She walked over and gently took Cameron from me. “Normally infants out grow their clothes before they have a chance to get worn out. Cam will be the exception to that rule thanks to his father.” She gave me a playful smile.

“I can’t let him stay dirty,” I replied with a shrug.

It was true, I changed Cameron often. It didn’t matter how small the stain may have been, if he got dirty I had to change him. I couldn’t help myself. I was trying to stop it and I’d gotten a little better. The first day home I managed to go through all his onesie outfits in about two hours. It wasn’t just his clothes. I refused to let him have a pacifier because the idea that it just laid around, out in the open, collecting germs freaked me out. How could I in good conscience put that in my son’s mouth?

Kia walked over to the rocker, she and Cameron spent a lot of time there. She looked so happy and content, at least for the moment. Mom and Gi-Gi had convinced her to come to a bit of a compromise when it came to the feeding thing. Kia asked for eight weeks, she wanted that time to nurse him before going on the meds. Her doctors advised against waiting, but I was just happy she’d agreed to a time-frame. She had two weeks left and I was ready for them to pass.

We’d already had a few incidents. She’d tried to leave the hospital while I was showering. She’d gotten up, got dressed then walked out, leaving Cameron behind sleeping in his bassinet. The security guard found her wandering around the parking lot and brought her back. I was grateful Gi-Gi had already explained to the staff about Kia’s special care requirements. I knew I had to go back to work at some point, but the idea of leaving Kia home alone with Cameron made me physically ill. Every time I thought about it I recalled the panic that set in the day I’d come back from a quick trip to the store to find the door wide open and Kia nowhere to be found. Our neighbor, Mrs. Hewitt, was comforting Cameron. His face was all red and I knew he’d been crying.

“Did you have a chance to look over the list of applicants?” I asked cautiously.

After that day, I brought up getting a nanny, another idea Kia was opposed to. She accused me of not trusting her and thinking she’d cause harm to Cameron. When I couldn’t deny her claims, she spent hours locked in our room crying. Kia ignored my question, choosing instead to keep her focus on Cameron. His little fingers were wrapped around hers while she stroked them with her thumb. Kia hummed softly as she continued to rock him. Cameron’s eyelids lowered as he drifted off into a peaceful sleep. I watched as Kia leaned down to give him a kiss on his forehead.

“Will you take him?”

I moved forward, gathering Cameron’s sleeping form from Kia, being careful to not wake him. He fussed a little when I put him in the crib. Klutz walked into the nursery, and did a few turns before claiming his spot on the rug in front of the crib. Mom had told me Vor had done the same thing when I was born. I guess he was a lot like his father. Quietly I crept from the room, closing the door slightly, but leaving enough space should Klutz want to come out. I found Kia sitting downstairs at the kitchen table, the applicant folders were spread out in front of her.

“How do you expect me to pick my replacement?” Her voice sounded strained and I knew tears would be on the way.

One…two…three…“It’s not a replacement, Kia. We’ve been over this.” I kneeled down in front of her, taking her hands into mine. “We were lucky it was Mrs. Hewitt that found Cameron that day and not some stranger walking by. I am trying Kia and I need you to work with me here and not against me!”

She frowned and pulled her hands away. “What are you talking about? What day?”

Shit! One…two…three…four…

“Matt! What day? Are you saying I left Cameron alone? I wouldn’t do that! I wouldn’t!” she cried.

“You didn’t mean to Kia, you…you just forgot…”

“I left him alone? Where is he? Is he hurt? Where is he Matt?”

The tears were falling. She gave me a panicked, pleading look needing answers. My stomach twisted in knots. The pounding in my head started. One…two…three…four…five… She was more lost than ever thinking Cameron was hurt now. I pulled her to me, hugging her tightly. Kia cried into my chest. I took slow, controlled breaths struggling to keep my anxiety down as her hysterics crept up.

…ten…eleven…twelve… “Shh, he’s fine. I promise he’s fine. He’s upstairs sleeping,” I crooned while stroking her hair.

A week later, Aunt Hope and Uncle Caleb arrived for a visit. She’d been eager to come, but they had to wait until Uncle Caleb could take some time off work, plus I think Mom convinced her to give us some time to get settled. Of course they’d come with loads of gifts from the extended family in Aurora Skies. ‘Uncle’ Wolfie and ‘Aunt’ Abby had already set us up with diapers for life, well as long as Cam needed them anyway. It was some sort of diaper club that sent monthly shipments automatically, I only had to go in and change the size we needed. It also came with a weekly pickup service since they were some kind of compost friendly diapers.

I was just happy to see them and have some help. I was starting to feel like the walls were closing in around me. Just being able to get out and run again made me feel like a new person. I could go and clear my head. I would push myself until that knot eased and I no longer felt like the world was coming to an end. I loved my family and I hated feeling like I was failing them both.

“Don’t you want another one?” I heard Aunt Hope ask as I walked into the house.

“You’re joking right? Shouldn’t we leave that up to the younger ones in the family?”

“Are you calling me old, McIntyre?”

“I’d answer that question carefully Uncle Caleb,” I laughed.

“Of course not, baby. You’re as beautiful as the day I met you.” He walked over and gave her a kiss on the check then whispered something in her ear. From the smile that appeared on her face, I knew I didn’t even want to know what he said.

“So where’s Kia?”

Aunt Hope walked over and put Cameron in his bouncer. “She’s upstairs. She hasn’t come down at all.”

I nodded before slowly heading up the stairs. A few days after the break down in the kitchen, Kia shocked me by saying she was ready to go on the trial meds. She started pumping instead of nursing Cam directly so he’d have a small supply before going on formula full time. Unfortunately she wasn’t handling them well. They made her nauseous and more depressed than she was before. If she wasn't getting sick, she seemed to be crying all the time and I felt like I’d bullied her into this choice. She was miserable; she hadn’t held or even looked at Cameron in days. Her doctors said it would take some time to adjust, but I hated seeing her like this.

Kia was curled up sleeping when I walked into the room. I took a seat on the edge of the bed. She looked so peaceful right now, but I could see the tear stains on her cheeks. Moving a few strands of hair out of the way, I leaned forward and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

“I really hope all your suffering isn’t in vain,” I whispered before heading to shower.

****

Thanks to Piazzagirl1015 for the use of Caleb and Hope McIntyre.