Gen. 5: Matthew Solo-Ch. 28

All night, Cameron ran through my mind. He’d been scared of me. He’d preferred that stranger over me. My son was scared of me. I looked towards the darkened bathroom. With a heavy sigh, I eased my aching body up into a sitting position.

One…two…three…four…five…six. You’d think I’d ran a marathon from the heavy breathing. Flipping on the light, I managed three more steps over to the sink. I stared at my reflection. No wonder he’d been scared. My gaze went to the shower. Making my way over, I turned it on then stripped out of the clothes she’d dressed me in. 

 

The water pricked my skin. It started as foreign sensation, but the prickly stabs gave way to soothing comfort. I leaned against the shower wall for support, letting the warm spray beat down on me. If only washing away guilt was as easy as washing away all the grim.

I needed another breather after getting dressed. The room spun and my limbs ached from the prolonged use. What a pathetic state, a shower and dressing myself constituted prolonged use. Pushing off the bed, I slowly walked back into the bathroom. I moved the hair out of my eyes and ran a hand over the scruffy beard. I picked up my razor. My hand shook. Trying to do it myself was probably a bad idea, but it needed to be done. My son cried when he saw me. I dropped my head in shame and retreated from the bathroom. My labored breathing, an annoying sound to my ears.

I glanced at the clock, she’d be up soon with lunch. That stranger was another annoyance, but she was at the very least punctual. The throbbing in my head forced me to lay down. I stared at the speck on the ceiling. I watched it, waiting on the knock to come. My eyelids started to close. Sleep. The knock.

“Yer lunch, sir.”

That was it, no mention of what was on the menu this time. I got up, but moved too fast and lost my balance. My hand hit the empty plate from this morning when I tried to catch myself; it went crashing to the ground shattering when it hit the floor.

Hurried footsteps could be heard heading back towards my room.

“Mi…mista Solo sir, is you alright?”

I flopped down onto the bed and stared at the mess on the floor. I didn’t want her in here, but what choice did I really have.

“Get in here.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

I raised my voice more to be sure she heard me. “I said come in.”

Light from the hall filtered in as she opened the door. “Ya…ya need sumthin’?” She asked from the doorway.

“The plate fell.”

Slowly she came into view. She looked at me briefly before looking down at the mess I’d made. Without another word, she dropped to her knees and started picking up the larger pieces. I watched as she kept her eyes down focusing only on the task at hand. After she’d picked up all she could, she clumsily got to her feet trying not to spill the broken pieces in her hand.

“I’ll be back. I gotta get the broom fer the smaller bits.” She turned and scurried away like a frightened mouse.

“Where’s my son?” I asked when she returned.

“In his swang downstairs,” she answered, still refusing to look at me. “All clean.” She looked up at me finally. “Do…do ya want me to bring in the food?”

I looked over at the tray and shook my head.

“Oh. Okey-dokey then. I’ll get outta yer way now.”

“I want to see Cameron.”

“I’ll go git ‘em.”

“He can’t see me like this!” I snapped. 

She jumped and took a step back. So skittish. I took a breath. The morning had been taxing enough. Interacting with this stranger…why did she need to make things so difficult.

“There’s a trashcan in the bathroom.” She stood there wide-eyed, chewing on her bottom lip. “So you can dump the dustpan. After that I need you to look under the cabinet for scissors so you can cut my hair.” Still she didn’t move. “Now would be a good time to do this.”

“Oh…um…okay…but…um…Piglet, I…I mean Cameron, he wun’t sleep. I’ll do what you says, but can I go check on ‘em first? May…maybe bring ‘em up and put ‘em in his crib?”

She stood there waiting, shifting her weight from side to side. Was she asking permission? I sat there quiet, waiting to see what she’d do. After a minute or two, she slowly turned towards the bathroom. She was asking permission to check on Cameron first.

“Go get him.”

The stranger made a quick exit from my room. Where did my parents find that strange woman? I massaged my temples hoping to make the ache go away. I turned my head to the sound of Cameron’s laughter. She was talking to him. Explaining where he was going and that she needed him to be good while she took care of me. She promised him a nice walk if he behaved. Why was she talking to him as if he could understand her?

I heard him cry when I assumed he got put in his crib. She didn’t leave him. I listened to her reasoning with an infant, then music started playing. I’d heard that music before, but wasn’t sure what made the noise. None of the toys we’d gotten for him played that song. Had she bought it for him?

She knocked again at the door even though it was open. “Sorry. I didn’t wanna leave ‘em cryin’.” Without waiting for me to say anything she hurried into the bathroom, returning shortly with the items she needed to complete her task. “I’mma need to turn a light on so…so I can see betta.”

I reached over, pushing the button on the bedside lamp. My eyes squeeze shut in reaction to the new stimuli. When I opened them again, she’d not moved from her spot. 

“You will have to come closer if you’re going to cut my hair.” She nodded, but still didn’t move. “Now, come closer now.”

Tentative steps brought her forward. She laid the items on the bed. With slow movements she put a towel around my shoulders being as careful as she could to not touch me. If I wasn’t ready for this to be over already, I would have found her effort to not make contact rather comical considering she’d stripped me.

“How do ya want it?”

“Shorter.”

She nodded before picking up the scissors. She stepped closer; using her fingers she combed my hair back. I heard her take a breath and mumble something low before she made the first cut. I closed my eyes trying to ignore her being so close to me. She smelled like baby. Like Cameron. He always smelled soft, fresh. Mom called it baby smell, a mix of baby powder and sweetness, the most perfect smell ever she’d say. 

She worked diligently, as best she could while trying to keep some distance between us. I focused on the soft snips of the scissors. They were always followed up with her again running her fingers through my hair before choosing another section. Her touch, the soft, yet diligent way she moved my hair…how long had it been since I’d had physical contact with another person?

I lost track of time before she declared herself done. She removed the towel from my shoulders then stepped away. 

“I…I hope ya like it.”

She stood back as if waiting for approval of some kind. I looked down at the bedspread and floor. Strands of discarded hair lay scattered around.

“Get the vacuum.”

She gathered up the items, depositing them in the bathroom before leaving the room. I heard her stop in to check on Cameron. 

I got up and slowly made my way to the bathroom to see what she’d done. It wasn’t the best, some parts were uneven, but it was better than before. I still needed a shave, but I wasn’t sure I trusted her with a razor any more than I trusted myself. 

I was making my way out of my room just as she got back to the top of the stairs. I gave the stranger a passing glance before taking slow, careful steps to Cameron’s room. She’d called him Piglet. She’d given a nickname to my son. 

I rested my weight against the crib as I looked down at his sleeping form.  I reached out to stroke his cheek. Kia loved him. She wanted nothing more than to be a good mother to him. He no longer had a mother because of me.

The vacuum came on, Cameron jumped at the sound. I moved to close the door, blocking out the noise. I made my way over to the chair and collapsed in it. So many hours Kia had sat in this chair holding him. Hours he wouldn’t remember. Now that stranger did it. That woman was who he was bonding with. That stranger whose name I still didn’t know.